5 Rituals That Helped Me Grieve a Parent’s Terminal Illness

Even up until the last day of my father’s life, I still looked at him as invincible. This was a man who had been diagnosed with stage three pancreatic cancer right at the start of his golden years. Yet, even with an inoperable tumor, radiation, and rounds of chemotherapy, he was still here — fighting, thriving, loving, deteriorating, and yet always looking for a reason to stand up and keep going, even two years later. I was witness to some of his best moments and some of the hardest any child can experience. As life becomes unexplainably fragile yet continues to move around you when you find yourself in this type of scenario, you learn that there is a special kind of grief that exists.

I’ve always understood grief as something you experience when someone you love is no longer here in the physical world, but what I quickly learned after my father’s diagnosis, is that the seven stages of it all — the things you could have done differently as a daughter, understanding that a parent is a person too, celebrating every small win they conquer, and even visualizing the agony you will feel when they are gone — hit you like a ton of bricks while you still have them here with you, in present time.

It’s called anticipatory grief. And I found refuge in the beauty and wellness practices that soothed my toughest days.

If you have found yourself embarking on this type of journey with a loved one — or are currently in the thick of it — I can tell you that you’ll make it through. In my case, as the highs and lows of my father’s days came and went, the more I found myself tending to my nervous system and inner dialogue. If you’ve found yourself in this situation, here are five wellness and beauty practices that might feel like a glimmer of revival and soothing for your spirit. Take it from someone who noticed firsthand how they allowed her to show up as best she could in the world — and for him.

Experts Featured in This Article

Nayan Patel, PharmD, is the founder of Auro Wellness.

Denise Bradbie, MS, LAC, is a lead healer at WTHN NoHo.

Getting Ready Every Day

I’m not asking you to add another commitment to your plate just for the sake of it, especially during a time that comes with the highest of highs and lowest of lows of emotion. But I began to notice that I’d walk out of the house looking (and feeling) a bit defeated. That’s when it clicked. Whether it was accompanying my dad to his chemotherapy sessions, going with him to run an errand, or even catching a movie, however much time I had left with him, I wanted him to remember me as full of life as possible. I made a simple shift: a five-minute makeup routine. It wasn’t for anyone to notice, but for me to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that I got this. That I’m me, worthy, full of light, and my father’s daughter. It’s a reminder that out of this situation, all you can do is tend to yourself, to then show up for the ones you love, day by day.

Facial Massage

I can’t necessarily tell you what all of those little pressure points along your ear, eyebrows, jaw, and even armpits each represent, but what I can say is that when you put a focus on massaging out these areas on a daily basis, it does something. And no — I’m not talking Cassie Howard-style hyper fixation on how you massage your face, where, for how many minutes, and so on (remember that “Euphoria” episode?). But think about how much tension and emotion we hold in our face, and how with just a little bit of attention to these focal points daily, facial massage can release.

Denise Bradbie, MS, LAC, the lead healer at WTHN’s Noho location, notes that according to Chinese medical facial diagnosis, “The jaw and masseter correspond with the lung function, which is strongly correlated to the emotions of grief and sadness.”

This link between our lungs and our masseter muscle, for example, is a great place to dedicate anywhere from two to 15 minutes a day to in order to release the tension with acupressure. “Massaging these areas can help move that stuck energy and offer emotional relief. It’s a gentle, supportive way to help the body and emotions work through those feelings.”

Paired with mindful breathing techniques, Bradbie makes note of the following focal points to massage or apply pressure to with your fingertips (yes, that simple): “YinTang is one of the most useful points and lies on the centerline of the face just between the eyebrows. It corresponds to the third eye chakra and is commonly used for stress, anxiety, insomnia, and an overactive mind.” And if you focus on the little area along the cheekbones, next to the nose, and under the eyes, there is a facial acupressure point called ST3 & LI20. “[This area] can be tender during sadness or grief, and relate channels that are connected to emotional digestion.”

Sensory Deprivation Float Therapy

I walked into my first sensory deprivation float tank blind. For some context, my partner saw me at my worst the night prior and decided to book me in for the first session available at Brooklyn’s Vessel Floats that Monday morning. If this is the first time you’re hearing the term sensory deprivation, as I was, the simplest way I can describe the physical aspects of the experience is by mentioning that all you see is pitch black surrounding you while you float in the tank. The only work you have to put in is getting your racing thoughts to settle once you drift away as you float.

It was a year into my father’s diagnosis that I tried my first sensory deprivation tank, where a lightness soothed my body and mind in the best possible way post-float. I considered it a reset for my entire nervous system. All of the anxiety, emotion, and breakdowns leading up to that Monday washed away after just one float, believe it or not.

Wellness expert Nayan Patel, PharmD, says, “Sensory deprivation float therapy uses a soundproof, lightproof tank filled with buoyant saltwater to limit external stimuli. By limiting sensory input, the brain shifts focus inward. This state of sensory ‘deprivation’ can have significant benefits for mental health, as it creates an environment where the mind is free from distractions and external pressures.”

Body Tapping & Jumping

There is actually something behind the saying, “shake it off.” When I’ve found myself in a functional freeze, one of the best remedies for getting myself out of it has been to literally jump up and down a couple of times, then closing my fists and tapping my chest while audibly letting out a nice and powerful “aah” for a couple of seconds.

I thank my Instagram algorithm for this life hack, especially as I began to notice a difference in my energy levels and how quickly it resets my train of thought. Tapping your body and jumping up and down can get your circulation moving, energy flowing, and in my world, serve as the equivalent to a big cry (or even a nice espresso shot). It’s great for whenever you find yourself struggling to step into a world that demands so much of you when, in reality, the dynamics of your inner world are overpowering every part of your being.

Meditating

I wish I could scream it from the rooftops how much meditation helped me throughout these two years. And it has nothing to do with sitting in place or lying down with just your thoughts for 15 minutes. Meditation has become all about tuning in to my breathing, saying a prayer, even, and listening to audible guides such as Hertz frequencies, affirmation mantras, and inner child guided meditations. If there’s one thing you can do for yourself and your daily self-care, is take a few minutes and browse YouTube for some meditation guides. I can promise you, it becomes an outlet for whenever you aren’t feeling your best, and even better, when you are.

Chelsea Avila is an editorial beauty writer based in Queens, NY, with a passion for uncovering the best of the beauty market and reporting on beauty and fashion news. Chelsea has written for Latina magazine, Allure, Clinique, Cosmetic Executive Women, Editorialist, CNN Underscored, WWD, and more.